This is the piece of poster paper where I totally freaked out. For some reason I thought I needed to do something more difficult to make this project 'worthwhile'...or something. Well, actually I know what happened. A conversation I had with Teal and Anna had given way to a lot of doubt. I had quickly mentioned that I was thinking about keeping my text review and film review separate (I keep wondering why I said this since until actually saying it, the thought never crossed my mind). Anyway, what came out of the conversation was that the idea I had quickly expressed was probably not the best use of my skills. I know that they meant this with good intentions. But instead of considering the comment and moving on, I let it stunt me for about two weeks. So for two weeks, I didn't do anything visual-outcome related. I just sat around and wondered (for no reason at all) whether I should make instead an app for iPad. Because, after our conversation, and after only hearing "this might not be the best use of your skills," I somehow began to thought that the film I was once excited about making was really just a crappy Youtube art film.
So it all came to a head in a day of brainstorming (after two weeks I finally forced myself to draw on some paper). There were lots of tears. Lots of wonderings about how to make more apps. Why did I want to do that? I didn't have a reason at all. I thought it would be cool, and because it would be super difficult, I thought it would be more impressive. Really, this was my reasoning for spending two weeks wondering about how to turn my review into an app (It's like the time I spent 250 dollars on a bicycle I couldn't ride in the hopes that my boyfriend would like me more. Guess what: it didn't matter. He liked me anyway). I guess I needed to start crying and have a whole bunch of doubts to realize why the film was the right idea and understand that Anna and Teal weren't really talking about the film (They were talking about my really bad idea of keeping a text review and film review separate...or...at least I think that's what they were talking about. Whatever).
THE POINT IS I needed to have a lot of doubts to purge all of the crap I was unsure about with this project. An app wouldn't work because first, I had no idea how to make one or even begin to visualize it. Second, I felt an app would have to allow users to form their own opinion, when what I really wanted them to experience was my opinion (this is, after all, a review). The next part I was unsure about was that making a film was an easy way out. Let me just say that this is in no way an easy project. Thinking visually (sound and moving images) to make a 2-3 minute video that conveys an opinion is really hard. A lot of this thinking is the most challenging thinking I've done in a while. I'm actually enjoying writing the report because it's easier. So when I finally allowed myself to visualize myself making the film, I got pretty excited. Despite having visualizer's block when it came to storyboarding, I had a pretty clear picture of how I wanted to tell my story. I was having fun exploring my archival footage options and manipulating content to make new content.
Here's what I included from another post about this day, and I think it sums the rest up:
And unlike when I thought I was going to barf (from anxiety) over making some stupid touch-screen app/iPad/whatever, I got that nervous feeling I always get when I write something I know is good: I always start shaking, and I get cold. And I know you can't do your thesis on instinct alone (well, actually I've been doing a lot of that), but I have to go with my gut on this one. Yesterday was a matter of getting the doubt out so I could get going.
In a way, maybe the film is an easy choice — because it should be an easy choice/option for critics. If ballet is really experiential — and for me, it's about way more than the performance on the stage — why haven't ballet reviews looked like this in the past? Maybe it seems easy because it seems like such an obvious thing to try. Something that could be interesting and work well. Like, duh.
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